Trauma Drama

My "trauma" goes back as far as I can remember which is about age 1. Yes, I can go back that far but not as clear as before. It's mostly emotional based trauma for me as physical injuries including amputations do heal and we learn to adapt. You can call me an only child but that's not all true except there are half siblings involved which is where some emotional damage comes from. To some, it's perfectly normal to experience this. Not me. 

To spare my feelings, the family decided to keep knowledge that my father was a less than great human being to my mom and his step kids. I always wondered why there were so many whispers and secrets even up until my mom's passing in January 2018. When the matriarch dies, not all things go to the grave. Turns out that I was always being judged by my half siblings and never truly accepted as one of them even though all eight of us shared the same mother. 

Jealousy in abundance. I got all the good toys, all the new clothes, everything my heart desired. Of course I did. This was all to keep me from being nosey and finding out the truth about my dad and to keep me from being too aware of what happened behind closed doors. One such door was opened wide two days after my high school graduation when I came home from my part time job at the mini golf course. My mom was trying to hide her tears and then I noticed her arms. Both badly bruised from my dad's attempt to rape her. She begged me not do anything as one of my sister's already gave him a good scare. That didn't stop me. I eventually took him for a car ride and warned him to never touch my mother again. There were other things said but we won't go into that. 

He eventually left my mom; I got a good job and took care of here until her last breath. As for dad, I thought that was the last of him in my life in 1997. Unfortunately, he got ill with dementia, cancer, and heart disease. Being his next of kin, it was my task to make sure he ended up in a secured nursing home as he kept wandering out of the other one. He passed in 2004 and out of respect to his mother, he got a proper Catholic funeral even though he was very anti religion. We had a repass at my recently purchased home which mom lived with me until the end. She did comment that if my father wasn't such an evil man, she would've taken care of him. 

Ok, so to many, this may seem like I'm just ranting about trivial things. Then again, this is only a snippet of my trauma. There is still the matter of work, failed loves and other relationships. Are they all tied together? Probably. Then again, I'm not a certified psychiatrist.